Perhaps you remember me from back in the beginning of 2018.  I went on a trip to Colorado to attend my first ever cannabis show (Indo-Expo Denver) which might not have been such a big deal, except for the fact that I live with Multiple Sclerosis and between the dizziness, blurred vision, chronic pain, balance issues, random peeing,muscle spasms and the dreaded MS fog – I don’t travel alone.  For the past decade, I have always had my children or more recently husband 2.0 along with me when I travel. I rely on them to help me. I need them by my side to help me navigate through the MS fog, and I count on them to help me not lose my shit as I try and deal with all the symptom triggers that a crowded airport and a trip on an airplane can lead to with this crazy disease.

But when I made the decision two years ago to come off all of the pharmaceutical drugs I had been taking for years and try using cannabis and CBD, I made a promise to myself that I wasn’t going to be passive this time around.  I wasn’t going to put my health and recovery in the hands of anyone, but myself. I vowed that I would actually listen to my body and respect what it tells me. I also promised myself that I would be as proactive as my body and my disease would allow me to be. I wasn’t going to take anyone else’s word for what “might” work for me and my MS.   I was going to get myself out there to meet as many people as possible, learn as much as I could about cannabis and CBD. I was going to try as many different strains and products to fully comprehend how they could help me live a more “at peace” life with my disease.

I had come far enough in the learning process to understand the best way to ensure the quality and safety of what I medicate with is to grow it myself.  So I began following people that had small grows and posts about the plant and” how-to grow organically” instructions on Instagram, which eventually led to me sending a direct message to the co-founder of a grow bag company – Honor The Plant.  This, in turn, led to him extending an invitation, which led to me getting on a plane and traveling to another state all by myself. I had no way of knowing what all would come from that one trip, but making that huge leap of faith and boarding that plane on my own was my launching pad for so many of the great things that have happened in the past year.   

"Doug"- our first cannabis clone- final week of flowering before harvest

Lake of Fire - by Red Eye Genetics

Cross between Kobain Kush and Gorilla Glue #4

The thought of traveling by myself – that I might get so fogged up that I would get lost, or that I might fall or pee myself in public was absolutely terrifying, but not finding something to stop the downward spiral my life and my disease had taken was even more daunting.  I knew that I couldn’t keep living the way I was and I knew that enormous, life-altering changes don’t just happen – they have to be worked for and they have to be earned. I saw getting on that plane as my payment for that change – I pushed far beyond my comfort zone, and at times, I teetered on losing it all together.  In the end, it was worth it because I proved to myself that I could, in fact, do something that I thought I couldn’t do anymore because of my disease.  

Since that trip, I have continued to be proactive, and I am constantly making tweaks and improvements- an even healthier diet, a return to daily exercise, incorporating stretching and yoga into all facets of my life, weekly hikes and more days out on the boat fishing than I can count. I am also continually pushing myself to step outside of my comfort zone, and I force myself daily to my limits. I do these things to strengthen and train my body and mind and as I begin to feel stronger in both areas, my confidence has been restored and I am back to believing that I can do anything I set my mind to. Knowing that I can once again overcome any obstacle placed in my path is a fantastic feeling and another thing that I missed during the years of chronic pain and pharmaceutical drugs. It may not be pretty, and it may not be graceful, but I know that I can figure it out and find a way around whatever it is that stands in the way of my progress forward.

None of this happened overnight and it hasn’t been easy. It turns out –  it takes an enormous amount of time, energy and effort to get back on track and try and heal and feel better.  It requires commitment, dedication, and follow-through and it also requires enduring a shit ton of pain and continuously being humbled when the disease pushes back and knocks me down a rung or two – or even down the hillside.  But at the end of the day, I finally feel like I am back in control and actively managing my life and my body with this disease.  I am moving again, and I have not intentions of ever stopping, even if boat yoga seems like a strange new hobby and my husband always teases me about my odd and often awkward poses.

It has been so worth it! I have a new and improved and simplified version of my life, filled with genuine happiness that I never knew to be possible.   I feel better and healthier than I have in years and even though I live with this fucked up disease and I have my share of days when I wish it would just go away and leave me alone, I have learned to accept MS as my life partner – and we seem to have come to an agreement  of sorts. I feed it, exercise and medicate and it won’t give out on me and fail me at the moments when it matters most.

Cannabis and CBD have not been a cure-all for me or my disease, but they have helped me stay the course of living a healthier life, and I am excited to continue to learn more and to keep sharing my journey.  You can read about my journey to being diagnosed in my newly published book – Segway Into My New Life.